Monday, February 18. 2008
I have a very funny friend---a skating buddy--who is an excellent skater but can't cook AT ALL. I think she makes popcorn in the microwave oven once in a while, but that's about it.
Chris moved to Laramie, Wyoming, where the selection of fresh food stuffs this time of year can be iffy.
She e-mailed me the following entry last night and I wanted to share it with my uber-sophisticated foodie friends.
Full disclosure: this is NOT a criticisim of Hamburger Helper, which in fact, is a pretty good product (though, they might think about making an organic version for cooks like me...)
Anyway, here is Chris Compton's latest cooking experience. The swear words are hers. Blame Chris if you have a problem with swearing. Read the entire entry; you won't be sorry.
FROM CHRIS COMPTON, LARAMIE, WYOMING:
As you know, I don't cook. I bake: baking is perfect for Virgos, as it involves following precise directions...well, precisely. Cooking always seems kind of...vague.
But I'm hungry, and I know nothing edible has grown in my refrigerator since I last looked. (Plenty of INedible stuff growing in there, though!) So I decide to give this Hamburger Helper stuff a whirl. After all, it's cold, and I'm tired and hungry - "one pound. one pan. one happy family." Sounds good to me, and translates into leftovers which I can then...YAY!...simply microwave. Right?
Yeah. Easy, my ass. My kitchen looks like I've held the Demolition Derby in it.
1. Box says you can use ground turkey instead of ground beef. The ground gobble I've got, no moo in sight. But it turns out turkey doesn't really "brown", it just sort of "tans". Okay, I'm guessing that as long as it's turned some color other than pink, it's good. See what I mean about vague?
2. "In a 10-inch skillet". Ummm, not sure what exactly a skillet is, assuming it's what I'd call a pan. Good, I've got one of those. Proceed to tan my turkey in it.
3. Add all this stuff: water, milk, sauce mix, noodles. Ooooookay, either my pan is not a "skillet", or not 10 inches. Stuff does not fit. Transfer entire mess to bigger pan. Add first pan to pile of dirty dishes now growing at an alarming rate.
(side note here: avoid sneezing while handling the sauce mix. It's very light and fluffy and will coat everything in a 12 foot radius if your hand jerks while you're shaking it from the pouch. Like it will if you sneeze. Just trust me on this one.)
4. Heat to boiling. Yeah, okay, that wasn't so bad. Stirring occasionally. Got by ok with that, too.
5. Here it gets tricky: cover and simmer. Oh NOW you tell me I've gotta have a lid for this skillet thing. Some digging turns up a lid that seems to match. At least it doesn't fall in like the first one did. (more dirty dishes, goody!) Simmer. Simmer? My stove does not have a space marked "simmer" on the dial. Does yours? What the hell is simmer?
6. Start to worry - just read the part about high altitude; was supposed to increase the water by 1/4 cup. Wonder if it's too late, throw it in anyway. Then worry because it says high altitude is "3500-6500 ft"...we're even higher at almost 7200. Should I put in more water? Aw, to heck with it, I'm afraid it'll turn into soup at this point.
7. Sit down at computer while whole mess "simmers" (hopefully). Two minutes later, become aware of sounds like tap-dancing mice coming from kitchen. Investigate. Watch in awe as lid on "skillet" performs a boogie worthy of a belly dancer on speed. Giggle. Lift lid and burn hand on steam. Cease giggling, cuss instead. Realize that "simmer" still looks an awful lot like "boil" did. Stir the mess, turn down stove, replace lid, return to computer.
8. Gradually become aware that the mice are still tap-dancing. Realize you have NO IDEA how long ago you slapped the lid onto the skillet. Has it been 14 minutes? Return to kitchen, giggle at boogying lid again. (Can't help it, it's funny!) Fish out a noodle to check doneness. Burn mouth. Decide it's done and remove from stove. (and put it where? Just wondering. More vagueness.)
I haven't had dinner yet. I'm too exhausted to eat. I'm still amazed that they make it look so simple on the commercials. And the woman is SMILING as she serves her family. And her kitchen does NOT look like a war zone.
P.S. If nobody hears from me tomorrow, assume dinner was not a success, and I've poisoned myself.